Kid Logic

Originally written in December 2012


     When you’re a kid, everything makes sense. Even what you don’t know makes sense. Your ability to problem-solve and your potential for success relies heavily upon your aptitude in imagination. Say you’re playing Jurassic Park in your front yard beneath the oak tree; velociraptors (the neighborhood kids) are closing in on you. You:

a) Climb to your high-tech tree house at the top of the oak tree that’s adorned with cannons, piranha-infested moats, binoculars, and mounted crossbows.
b) Pull out that 6,000 caliber electromagnetic hydraulic ray gun from your pocket and take those suckers out.
c) Attempt to domesticate the velociraptors, using them to aid in the cultivation of your chocolate-covered gummy bear crops. Plowing soil can be a tedious job for one person, and the raptors’ huge claws help them keep a steady pull through the rough terrain.
d) Run to your parents’ car, jump in, dramatically “drive” through the jungle dodging T-Rexes, the velociraptors, frag grenades, tidal waves, wildfires, and rabid toucans. However, your steering wheel locks after turning it too much and you’re forced to make a split-second decision on whether to stay in the vehicle or to flee towards the nearest safe house. You try turning on the car’s stereo to radio for help, but it’s dead. Things begin to look bleak but you remember that the spare keys in the glove box can set off the car alarm. The dinosaurs and Acts of God will be distracted by the wailing horns while you make your getaway.
e) Tell Bobby, Debbie Sue, Landon, Josh, Mackenzie, and Tyler to go home. You’ve had enough of their playing dirty. You’ve never had so many fingernails jabbed at your eyes. You’ve never had your legs kicked out from underneath you that many times, and never had some much dirt stuck in your gums. The taste is bitter and dry. You’re done for the day. Send them home. Go play Mario Kart on your Nintendo 64. 
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